hello.
i think i am at a stage now where i am beginning to search for myself even more (don't ask me what that means, i am just trying to sound real deep in thought here.) everyday i find myself doing pretty much the same things and i realize that most of my time now i am doing designs for the church, teaching lessons, talking to various members, going for church services... to summarize it all, i am seriously 'church saturated.' well, for model answers, i will say that makes me happy because i know i am doing what God wants me to. but... at the same time, i'm kinda annoyed with myself because i have been neglecting many other things!

my friends! i have not met johnny since 2716 years ago and ade since jurassic park came out. i missed siaoting's birthday and stopped hanging out with my camp mates. i have found that i have become some crazy working machine busy in his crazy dungeon and have left out the part where i actually see people. i think it is all about balancing your time well and i have just taken up too many things that i find myself drowning.... *plays backstreet boys song* haha

i guess it is an OCD thing. i don't know, not so sure. many have come up to me saying that i am pretty much a control freak and i creep out people. some mention that i am fierce and 'bossy'. when i heard it, my first reaction was to block them out. but after a while i got insecure and i started to do some reflecting. my reaction: wah laooo!!!

sucks man. am i that scary? i try to smile at the random adults in church office when i walk to the toilet what! i talk to the aunties and thank the cleaner for throwing away my rubbish... is that not enough? sure, i heck care people when they try to small talk me. "wow shawn, is that your table?" they ask this when i am sitting on a table that has the name 'shawn' on it. what am i supposed to say?!?! on my defence, i think i am okay. but still, my heart screams: wah lao!!!!

i am freaking out a little. in a small department in my heart, i am hearing all these stupid comments about me over and over again. the other, i just feel so enveloped in self-pity i can't take it! well, but of course, i won't think self-pity is the right word because i don't feel much depression or anything. i just feel like.. "urgh" or "wah laooo". right now i am struggling with my pay versus my lifestyle. peanut-juice-pay and frequent starbucks drinks don't go. but then, if i don't indulge once in a while, how am i going to survive? i calculated. to not make a loss, i am allowed to eat only 2 plates of $3 chicken rice and two kopitiam drinks per day. in a week, i am allowed to spend $5 on halls candy and mineral water. saaaaaad... hahahah

aiyah, but when we know that it is God who wants us to do it, what can we do but endure! probably God was trying to convey a message to me by sending me to demonic Ninja company in the army to suffer the wrath of evil sergeants and still have to keep a smile. then, months after, bring me to the 'siong' ENDURANCE ship to endure the torturous murmuring and crazzzzy stress tests. God is speaking to me and preparing me for this big plan of "wah lao"!

but i know that it is going to get better la. for now, i seek refuge in the little safe corner in the office playing restaurant city on facebook... eh someone trade with me leh: i need chicken, leek and cream.